I meant to publish this post last week, but it didn't go through.
If you are having a bad day, save this post for another time. I'm breaking the silence, I'm sharing, and it's not all puppies and rainbows.
I've heard from other friends that they've avoided Facebook. They've avoided the negativity, the name calling, or even the constant reminders of the love others have and they've lost. We all have a protection mode.
Recently it's been encouraged that we post/share about depression and suicide prevention. The past week a classmate of my son committed suicide at the age of 23. The press is constantly posting, analyzing and speculating on our new leadership in Washington, and in Iowa a bill was passed effecting state employees including educators. It's very scary.
For a person like me, it's stressful. Sleep is a distant memory as I attempt to empty my mind of all the new worries each night.
1. I've mentioned on previous posts about my battles with depression. We can post all we want on Facebook, the real help is action.
I was a senior in high school when I first was diagnosed. I was missing a day or three of school a week. No one called to ask why I wasn't at school. No one told me they misssed me when I was at school. It was as if the world didn't need me. Whether I got out of bed, left the house, etc. nothing changed. Even now I plan things, I truly want to do them, then cancel as they draw near so I can hide.
I encourage you to notice and talk. If a friend, student, colleague or relative is often sick tell them they are missed. Let them know it wasn't the same without them. When they do conquer their mental challenges and attend-let them know you are glad to see them. Spend time catching up. Try to make a plan to see them again soon. Follow up. Communicate every few days. If you are close let them know they can tell you anything. You won't judge or try to fix it, you'll just be there for them.
I often feel I have to paint on a smile or act excited. It is exhausting. Depression is very frustrating.
2. Politics (especially the bill in Iowa this week). How do I continue to encourage my sons to follow their dreams to become teachers, when the profession is looked upon so negatively by so many? Teachers are to blame for everything according to many. Teachers only work 8 hours a day for 180 days...they don't need a raise,many believe. Every year teachers are to ready students for future careers & to be productive members of society-with less money, & less support from parents and community. Teachers teach because they love children. They aren't in it for the money. But lack of funding and support drives many quality educators to leave the schools to seek a career for more money, less stress, and better hours.
Wait didn't I say teachers work only 8 hours a day for 180 days...they can't get better hours. I call bullsh$$! A quality teacher arrives to school early to prepare or assist students. They stay late to do the same. They answer emails all evening from parents or even helping students on homework via email. Some use Snapchat to actually work step by step on homework with students. They attend sporting events and musical events at the school to support the students. When students request some even attend non-school recitals, etc. They research while off the clock for new lessons to spark interest, new strategies to help students, or seek the help of other educators to reach/assist a child. Then they plan lessons, they decorate, they hang bulletin boards, they grade papers, they fill out reports, they update grades...these can not be accomplished while on the clock educating students. Many teachers have students in their room before school, during recess, during lunch, during planning time, and after school. They use every minute they can to help each child they can. So these other tasks occur off the clock. Yet many think it's an easy profession. It's just babysitting right? Not many could handle five students for a day-let alone thirty.
3. As I lay in bed trying to sleep my mind ponders...
President Trump, money, my sons, am I a good mom, what can I do to exercise more, I should plan a visit with family, wonder what Peyton's grades look like, I hope Carter finds a job, I make my grocery list, I scroll through Facebook to catch up on happenings in my friends/families' lives, I wish I could be a politician with enough support to make changes, I should invent something, I open Pinterest and immediately close it-I'd never sleep, I set reminders on things I need to do tomorrow, I try to catch up on my DVR shows, I binge watch Netflix, I read, I snack, I vow to start a diet tomorrow, I search for fool proof AKA Gretchen proof recipes, I stare at the clock and vow I'm getting off all devices so I can fall asleep. I spend hours in the dark on all these-no wonder I'm exhausted all day.
Life is messy. No one's perfect. We do the best we can with what we've got-this is my plight.
I went to watch Carter coach his 8th grade game. Then we went to eat. I got home at 7:45. My plan touch up a couple paint spots then relax and watch the Chiefs. As mentioned in last post, I have been working on spots in the office.
"Measure twice cut once." I've heard that many times.
Calling all painters- Is there an old adage for painters? Test twice-paint once? If so, I wish I heard it prior to 8:30pm tonight.
So we have been in this house for six years. There are some spots that need touched up in the upstairs bathroom.
So I pulled the paint can out of the basement. I'm thankful the previous owners left all the cans in the basement. I stir it up many times. I take a small brush and paint a small area under the sink. It matches perfectly. I even let it dry and it matched.
So the Chiefs are on, Carter is in the living room nearby, I start on an area.
I cuss out loud. I call Carter in to prove that it matched where I tried it. For the first time in 6 years we notice the walls in this bathroom are two different colors! Crap! What to do? I leave at 3 tomorrow. We have a showing Saturday. I don't have time to paint the entire room.
I scramble to garage. We have brushes, edgers, painters tape, and only a mini roller. I decide I'll edge tonight, run to store tomorrow for a roller, and paint in the morning. Another unfinished urgent task, no way I can sleep good tonight.
Here are the two walls. The paint matched the section next to the mirror.
I get to listen to the Chiefs while I trim the bathroom.
From now on I will check paint matches in 2 different areas.
I can't believe we never noticed the walls were different in this room.
I am asked many a time, what I do to keep busy everyday. I assure those that ask, that there is always a lot to do. I would rather lay on the sofa and read for hours, surf the net all day, or take a soak in the tub everyday...although that is what many think I do all day (a.k.a. My mother) my life is a lot more messy.
For instance today, I planned to clean, do laundry, walk Nala, run errands, and box up the mudroom all before 3pm.
I started picking up, started laundry, and walked Nala. When I went to change the laundry, my day and all plans were derailed. When I opened the dryer I found ink everywhere.
One of my sons will be upset when they see the laundry they did over the weekend. An ink pen exploded. "Be sure to check all pockets." Moms are always nagging and I am no different.
Standing at the stained dryer, I began my search. Google had too many so I started trying items myself.
Wipes didn't work. Hairspray works on clothes and carpet but not dryer drums. The wine stain remover works on carpets and clothes but not dryers. So I went back to Google.
At last fingernail polish remover did the trick. My drum is now clean and I am high as a kite!
I am small so reaching in to clean meant climbing partially in the drum. Of course there is no air vent and it is a confined space. The fumes were strong. Now clean, I had to ensure all alcohol was removed so as not to set the dryer on fire. So I rinsed the drum.
Now I can switch the laundry and try to get my day back in track. It took over an hour to de-ink the dryer drum.
Of course half my list for the day is still incomplete as Jamie arrived home. As I drive to KC tonight, I made the to do list for tomorrow in my mind.
Fix Jamie's headlight, unpack wardrobe boxes then flatten them in my trunk, drive to Des Moines, run errands, do Laundry, box up mudroom and office closet, walk Nala, cook dinner for Carter and me, etc. let's see if Tuesday goes as planned. (I won't hold my breath.)
So many of you saw all of the items I sold on the PEACH Facebook page...de-cluttering at the end of summer. I had the "urge to purge" in May. I am not talking about the movie trilogy. The Purge (press here) Planned on a garage sale-but God thought it a bad idea, so I had surgery instead. The "urge to purge" didn't go away, so I tried to sell items online. I sold a lot, don't get me wrong. However, the "urge to purge" is worse now than it was in May.
In our 23 years of marriage, we have lived in 11 houses, in 3 states, in 6 cities. (In Missouri: Chillicothe, Chillicothe, Chillicothe, Trenton, Liberty; Illinois: Quincy, Quincy; Iowa: Davenport; Missouri: Liberty; Iowa: Des Moines, Carlisle) Moving from town to town was due to Hy-Vee, but multiple moves in one town was me getting "the itch" to move. My mother-in-law always states I am crazy when I am itching to move again. Hold on to your hat Kathy, I am feeling the need to toss, sell, gift, box, and move again.
It has nothing to do with the community or my friends. It is just..."an itch". Now will I get to move? Probably not. Will I hoard boxes from produce departments at Hy-Vee to organize closets, storage, etc? Probably. Will I start listing items on Amazon, Ebay and PEACH FSBO on Facebook? Probably. Will my friends be annoyed? Probably.
Now those who have read before, know I struggle with depression. Is it bad right now? Yes. Am I gifting away my most cherished items and contemplating hurting myself? NO! I will not be listing my beloved iPhone, Mustang, iPad, PC, TV, Scanner/Printer, my overly large wine glasses, my Green M&M lady,
my too many frogs, my Jambox, my Paper Pro Stapler, my Kermit PJ's,
Kermit pillow, etc.
So rest assured it is not a warning sign of a pending suicide. But I can't help but wonder if it is a side effect of depression. Do I want to inventory my belongings? Do I want to re-evaluate what I need vs. want? Do I want to simplify? or Do I just want to purge so I can begin hoarding more "junk" again? Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, the world may never know. How many licks does it take? (click here)
I do know that I am tired of making lists and wanting to purge...so moving or not, this lady is going to clean, organize, and purge.
On another note, I am addicted to donuts! Yes, I know it could be worse. However, do you plan your day around finding the nearest Hy-Vee with the freshest glazed donuts? Not just any doughnut will do. It has to be glazed. It has to be a doughnut. Not a long-john, etc. I prefer it to have icing-no chocolate. It can have drizzled icing but NO SPRINKLES! I am not a Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme fan. I will settle for Casey's if I want to torture myself with less than my desired perfection. My family thinks it is funny. They tease me. They tell me no. If it were only that simple. It is an addiction! Really! An addiction that is increasing my waistline daily. Soon I will need new clothes. And yes, those of you wondering, I am still addicted to Diet Pepsi. Of course, I have no desire to work out and earn my sweets. Do I purchase and hide them for later? Yes! Of course, they haunt me the entire time they are hidden, until I decide I will end my suffering and eat it now.
Many are posting on Facebook upset by the election, worried for our nation and our futures. I am worried for today. I have found a reason to drive to South Des Moines this morning, so that stopping at Hy-Vee for two doughnuts seems logical. I scheduled pick up of an item for 4p.m. tomorrow in hopes I won't drive to town tomorrow morning for a quick fix...but who am I kidding? I will find a reason to get my doughnut. If not at Hy-Vee, I will take Nala on a drive, because she needs to get out of the house. We will go to Casey's for my fix. I have even resorted to using my precious puppy to enable my addiction.
So I am in the office doing some internet surfing and avoiding housework...I keep getting a wiff of something unpleasant.
I turn on my Scentsy near the desk. I go back to me browsing. It doesn't go away. I notice Nala laying at my feet. I pick her up and proceed to sniff her all over. I say all over, but I did not sniff her back end. I will leave that for the neighbor dogs on our walk tonight. She is the not the source I seek.
I go back to the computer. Puzzled, I try to ignore it. Jamie can attest that when my sniffer is on a smell, I am relentless until I find it and care for it.
I push my chair back, on all fours I am crawling slowly around the office. Several scents, but none the unpleasant one I am tracking. I conclude it is near the office desk chair. I sniff the cushions. Found it. Tucked ever so sneakily between the base and back is a pair of Peyton's dirty black socks. They are the same color as the chair.
Nala has attempted to hide her treasure from the laundry room last night. Peyton came home for a visit and laundry. Nala loves to take clean and dirty socks and hide them. She gets huffy when we find them.
Odor found, I take them to laundry room with Nala hot on my heels. I drop them on the laundry room floor and quickly attempt to shut the door. The little thief is so stealthy, she is already running up the stairs with Jamie's socks. I will be finding them in the living room later today.