A few family members and a very close friend are aware of my illness, but even they don't know the messiness I am about to share.
My secret: Many will be shocked by this. I suffer from depression. It is hereditary, and I was first diagnosed at the age of seventeen. I have been on and off medication for years.
Currently, I am on medication. I am one of the lucky ones, though. It has never been so bad that I have contemplated suicide. I have my good days and my bad days. I have no way of preventing the bad days. They hit like a surprise thunderstorm.
At this point in time, I am in a bad phase. Most know me as a sports mom that organizes team events and my family to support the players...here comes the messy. I have to pry myself out of bed. I could sleep until noon daily. When I wake, I ache head to toe. I've often been told, "this is all in your head", "Get up and move you will feel better", or "Take a shower, you will feel better." Well, I may take the advice, but I fake it. I fake that I don't ache. I fake that the shower is just what I needed. I fake that a walk revived me. I fake a smile, pull on my big girl panties and forge through the day. I want nothing more than to lay in bed all day to sleep, read or watch mindless t.v. I cry about starving kids, military families, politics, poverty, family drama, and much more in the darkness of my bedroom. Outside my bedroom walls, I rarely cry. I can't allow others to see my weakness. They will not understand. It will be accredited to female hormones or tiredness. No one wants to believe mental illness is so much more. It's not talked about. It's considered a weakness. Many believe it is a choice. This makes it harder to work through.
I have had the idea of this blog for a few weeks now. But, as I forced myself off the couch at noon, I decided today was the day. Writing has always helped. I wrote short stories and poetry in high school, I've dabbled with a few children's book and adult books over the years. I decided to use a blog this time. No one may read it. Many may read it. It doesn't matter. I plan to share my messy life secrets in hopes they help others. It will not all be about depression. I have many funny stories to share of living with three guys and the silly stuff I've done.
After I rose from the couch, I consumed ten, yes ten, Snickers Minis. I'm allergic to chocolate, so will have hives this afternoon, but I had a real smile on my face and felt good tasting them. I let Nala out and began navigating Google to start this new literary adventure. I am in my pajama shirt and plaid pajama pants that I have worn for three nights now. Yes, it is now 2pm and I am in my pajamas. That is a battle I will struggle with here soon. Forcing myself to change my clothes is exhausting. Everything is exhausting. Not to mention finding clothes that are comfortable, fit the way I want and are appropriate for the day can be mentally taxing for anyone. I sit here at my computer, a box of tissues on one side, my second Diet Pepsi of the day on the other, with my iPhone in the middle. I have a million thoughts going through my brain. I need to clean, thaw meat for supper, get two oil changes, put away pictures from last weekend's grad party, encourage boys to clean the basement, encourage Peyton to finish his thank you cards, encourage him to work on his college class for summer, encourage Carter to register for the Praxis he needs to take, weed the landscaping, walk Nala, clean the house, start laundry, fold laundry, put away laundry, the list goes on and on. I try to remind myself to keep organized. Here is what my calendar/reminders look like. Jamie often teases that my phone tells me when to pee. I am so afraid I will forget something, I note everything, so I have too many.
Of course, through my therapeutic typing, my computer picks this time to shutdown, mid post. I will not be detoured.
I played with all the chords, can't figure it out. So I moved it to the kitchen, and bam it works! Guess it needed a nap.
I constantly feel overwhelmed, unorganized, and underappreciated. I don't take the time to pamper myself like I should. I feel I need to focus on meeting the needs of everyone else before myself...or I can't enjoy my own time.
I have so much I need to work through. This online rant has helped if only for the moment. I feel a tiny weight lifted and am going to go change into daytime clothes and get some things done.
I apologize if I am jumping all over the place, I just have so much I want to share, to no longer keep hidden, that I need to organize it.
I will post on here weekly or more often. I am not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement. I am just sharing with the world, my messy daily life. I hope you will read a few.